Written by Vanitas
To clarify some things, these movies are not the worst movies ever made. I do not consider low budget, I do not consider bad acting or bad soundtrack. These are just some BAD movies that I believe deserve some hate that they have not received. (The title says Bottom 10 cause it’s the opposite of Top 10 hihi puns). If you like these movies, I don’t judge. Well, a bit, but silently, behind your back. But still these are the Bottom 10 Movies I have ever watched.
Number 10: A Serbian Film
Let’s get this movie out of the way early on, on the list. Let me clarify something. I HATE this movie; I think it is legitimately the worst movie ever conceived. The “moral” of the movie is that “The human mind has no limits” and there are plenty ways to show that but I guess the director (SPOILERS) needed to film a scene where a woman is fucked from behind while the man that’s doing her decapitates her and KEEPS pushing in ‘n out. Or film a scene with a woman being raped while giving birth and AFTER she gave birth the newborn is raped and thus the porn genre “Newborn Porn” is created. There are people that glorify this movie beyond belief and I truly believe that this is just bad taste. It’s twisted and…bad. The rest of the movies on this list won’t be hated on (at least not that much).
Number 9: Dark Shadows
WHAAAAAAAT? A Johnny Depp movie in the Bottom Ten??? Somebody arrest this man. Eh, to be honest I don’t have a problem with Johnny Depp per se. I mean, I don’t like him that much as an actor because I don’t feel that he changes into another character and that in every movie he is not the character but simply Johnny Depp. “BUT BLACK MASS AND SCISSORHANDS” Yeah, I know, it doesn’t matter. In 9/10 films he is simply Johnny Depp. Now on to the movie, I believe that Tim Burton always uses Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter in order to make the subtlest threesome proposition ever made. He cooperates with Johnny Depp for the past 26 years, there’s something more to this, mark my words. It’s just a lame movie. Cheesy dialogues, 0 depth to the characters, the most generic title ever, “catchy” scenario of a vampire living an awkward social life, yeah, it’s definitely NOT in the movies you need to see before you die.
Number 8: The Master
I first saw this movie in a top 10 list about the greatest movies of the century or something like that. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that the scenario is really good. It’s about a man, The Master, that has created something like a cult and “brainwashes” everyone around him to follow him blindly and they do. The story talks about a naval veteran that becomes part of his cult. Solid script, right? BUT IT’S SIMPLY SO BORING. The movie keeps on with literally NOTHING happening, the movie prepares you for a climax that’s not even there. It’s 2 hours 24 minutes long and it’s simply too much. I don’t believe that the acting was bad, on the opposite I believed that it was spot on it’s just that the movie feels…empty. Even though, there’s potential, it’s butchered by the fact that there’s simply nothing happening.
Number 7: Starred Up
A movie about a 19 year old boy that’s so violent he ends up in prison. Coincidentally his father is the one that pulls the strings around the prison. So the boy is now locked in with his man causing havoc and getting into fights every day when one day he gets in a “therapy” group that tries to calm him down. Sounds…good, right? Nah, the movie leads to nowhere, the ending leaves every question unanswered and it’s just bad. Even though this had potential it was a complete waste of time. No character development, I felt no sympathy for the protagonist nor his father throughout the movie. Just a pretty indifferent movie.
Number 6: ParaNorman
The century-old recipe of the lonely boy with a male friend that no one in the school likes, finds out about something bad that’s gonna go down but no one believes him on the sole reason that he is basically a loser so he has to stop the shits from hitting the fan pretty much alone a bit of help from his only friend, his sister and their neighbour. The movie includes zombies and ghosts and stuff and it’s pretty much a cartoon about a mini zombie apocalypse. It’s bad, it’s the same thing that we have already seen thousands of time, the animation quality is bad and it’s simply too boring to watch. It’s the only cartoon I have ever fast-forwarded.
Number 5: Pixels
I am a gamer. I have been my whole life. I never hated on Adam Sandler as much as I should. But now he did it. Handling vintage things is really dangerous and with Adam Sandler’s record of mediocre to bad movies he should have handled this movie EXTRA carefully. The movie is about aliens attacking Earth by using arcade old-school games as weapons. It’s not worth watching, I don’t even think it’s worth being mentioned in lists but I promised bad movies, it got a 10% rate on Rotten Tomatoes and for a reason. Sandler’s streak is still on and I don’t feel he’s going to stop making mediocre to bad movies any time soon.
Number 4: Clash of the Titans
I am ALL about manly things and sweat and blood and kills and splatter and wars and gods and stuff. So, me, hating on Clash of the Titans, a movie about gods, warriors and monsters should give you a hint about how bad this is. Crappy 3D-Animation, scenario with no depth, the main protagonist is the only one that kinda has a minor character development but yeah, it’s FAR from enough. Also tons of historical inaccuracies make everything even worse. The movie is just a money-grabber and I am trying to save you from this. Not that you were going to give money to watch any movie in 2016 but yeah, you get the idea. CHILDREN DON’T LISTEN TO ME GO TO THE CINEMA OR ELSE MOVIES DIE.
Number 3: Alice in Wonderland
Hollywood seems to think that remaking Disney movies and adding famous people to it while also adding a bit of a darker feel is ok. Well it’s not. Alice in Wonderland is one of the most revolutionary movies Disney ever made (of course by copying Lewis Carroll but it doesn’t matter that much cause come on that was back in 1800’s Jesus) because there is a blurred line that Disney handled extremely well that could simply make this movie a psychedelic horror story about an insane little girl that has mental issues. Instead it’s a well done children’s movie. Of course little insane Alice was probably Tim Burton’s wet dream and that’s why he casted Johnny Depp for it in an attempt to cut that blurred line we talked about earlier. Well, he did, but he did it wrong. The characters seem forced; the feeling of the genuine Alice in Wonderland is nowhere to be found. Instead it’s just a hipster fest of Johnny Depp trying to handle an extremely fragile character, the Mad Hatter, and poor Mia Wasikowska trying to play the young Alice that for some reason is 20+ years old.
Number 2: The Human Centipede (ALL OF THEM)
You know about this movie, friends watch it together to get grossed out and talk about how stupid the plot is. Is that what horror movies have become? A shit-show of weird images and bad plot? There’s no point in glorifying bad movies for being bad. There are movies that you can watch with friends and laugh about how bad they are and that’s maybe Dumb and Dumber or the sequel to this ridiculous comedy but anyway this is for another list. The movie is BAD. It’s not “fun” watching it, It’s a disgusting movie and that’s about it.
Number 1: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
What happens when you take 3 books and make 3 movies out of it? Surprisingly one of the most iconic movie trilogies the universe has ever witnessed. I am talking of course about Lord of the Rings (yes I am a fanboy and yes OF COURSE and I exaggerated there). What happens when you take 1 book and make 3 movies out of it? Surprisingly a mediocre trilogy with a plainly BAD epilogue. There are spoilers ahead so if you haven’t seen the movie…eh…I don’t know stop reading here I guess? The 2nd movie ends with the attack of Smaug on a poor village. This hype is being built up since the first movie and the second movie ends in the most “FUCK YOU DEAR VIEWER” possible. And I was ok with that. I am fine with building up hype. BUT SMAUG DIES IN THE FIRST 10 MINUTES OF THE THIRD MOVIE. They built up hype for a MAFAKIN DRAGON THAT DIED 10 MINUTES IN THE THIRD MOVIE. And then people fight and then the movie ends. The end. That’s Hobbit 3 for you. The dwarves had NO character development throughout the 3 movies, I was hoping I could see some action from them in the last movie but no. It’s just a bad movie. I feel sad that the final(?) input in the LOTR series was a moneygrabber.
So those were the Bottom 10 Movies I believe needed some hate. You don’t have to agree with me, I just want you to hear me out. Of course there are worse movies than these, if you google “Worst Movies Ever Made” you will probably find none of these in any list but it’s just my opinion. These movies might have seen mediocre or even big success, it’s just that I needed to be a little toxic towards them. Until next time, have a nice day and a better taste 🙂